What I Think About when I Shower with a Cast

Okay. You’ve done this before; this time shouldn’t be any different. Plastic bag, where has the goddamn plastic bag gone? Did she throw it away again? Shit, where is it? Did she really?! Have to go get another.  But I’ve already like stripped down to nothing but my – oh, it’s here. Okay. Good.

Make sure you don’t touch the knot at the end. You know how hard it is to tie a double-knot with your left hand and your teeth. Okay, it’s in. Now, tighten it. I look like an animal; biting on a piece of plastic wrapped around my arm. No one can ever see me like this.

None of the cast is hanging out right? Nope, okay good. You know how bad it would smell if it ever got wet. No, you don’t. Exactly. Don’t ever find out.

Water is running; I’ve got no clothes left on. No phone in that imaginary pocket that you always worry about before getting into water. It’s not there right? My phone’s not on me, is it? Okay, it’s not, obviously. I have nothing on. You did it again.

Okay, I’m officially showering now. Remember; keep your right hand straight and upright. Don’t want any water getting in through the bottom. Damn, I really DO look like the Freddie Mercury meme doing this – so badass. I should write about this somewhere. Shampoo!

I guess you could grab it with your plastic bag hand. It’s not THAT immobile right? Yeah, it’s fine. Shit, okay maybe slow it down a little. Face wash. Okay, just mush it with your left hand. Yeah, clenching motions seem to work. This is going well. Conditioner, you know the drill – just like you did for shampoo. Body soap, oh god. You’ve got to use your elbow to press down the pump this time. Wrist can’t do its job yet. Stupid wrist.

Okay, every area of the body is reachable; except my left arm. Shit. Okay, just bend your arm. You can get there. Yeah, no one can ever see me like this, ever. Totally doing a monkey pose right now. You know there’s only one way to soap up your left arm as much as you look like a complete idiot doing it. Yup, bend down.  Stick it between your legs. Back and forth motions. You have no excuse if your left arm is smelly so this is the only way. The soap from your inner thighs will do the job. Thank god for privacy.

You know you can’t just stand in here forever, right? Get out. Shut the tap. Okay, no more water to worry about. Just towel try and make sure not to bend your wrist too much. Good job. You may remove the plastic bag.

 

j.